


Forty Eight Hours

by agoodwoman



Series: What Should Have Been [2]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2015-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-04 18:56:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5344904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agoodwoman/pseuds/agoodwoman





	1. Chapter 1

You were born late on a Friday night in a backwater town on a rickety bed. The setting was less than ideal for bringing you into the world however it couldn't have been more fitting. Democrat Hot Springs, Georgia will always have a warm place in my heart for what it brought me - the friendship I developed with Monica and you, my sweet boy. Your conception and your birth were the definition of a miracle and I couldn't have been more grateful to finally meet you.

We briefly visited a hospital for a check up and we were discharged to a home that needed your presence and the happiness you brought with it. That home saw more darkness over the last eight years than I care to recount.

We only had forty eight hours as a family but I can tell you that it was the happiest I have been in a long time. I still cherish that time in my heart and what it meant to your father and I. It bonded us in a way nothing or no one could ever break. It made us whole and became the thing we had been missing all these years. We had the truth, we looked for answers but we didn't know what we should be fighting for until we held you.

I heard my sister in law, your Auntie Tara, say that everything was just a prelude before children and I found it trite at the time. When I had you and your father, I felt the shift in my life and the greater purpose show itself to me. I nursed you from my body, I watched as you peed on your father when he tried to change your diaper and the way you looked at us when you opened your eyes.

Your eyes were such a deep blue and I remember wondering if they would turn the same green as your fathers or lighten to look more like mine. Would they be a combination of the two? Your father, upon seeing you for the first time, mentioned your complextion being like mine and the resemblance to our boss but aside from that, in the first forty eight hours, you looked more like a naked chicken. It sounds funny to say this to you now, but you curled your hands and feet inwards when you weren't swaddled tight.

There was a little hair on your head that reminded me of Melissa's, the aunt you'll never meet and the sister I still mourn at Christmas time or when I see peonies. What you won't know about those forty-eight hours is how watching you with your father filled my heart and broke it at the same time. We both knew that home life couldn't last because of what was outside the door and what it took to get you here. And the greatest sacrifice I could have made was to ask him to leave. I just didn't anticipate having to lose you too.

You, William, brought me so much that helped me feel a healing in my heart. I hope one day you'll forgive me. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for your first birthday. I'm sorry that I didn't get to witness your first steps or kiss the scrapes on your knees. I'm sorry I didn't get to take you to San Diego to show you the 32nd Naval Base where I greeted your grandfather each time he docked home.

I know your mother cares for you and I know you're doing well. I feel it inside of me the same way I hope you feel me too. We will always be connected, my child. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you safe with me. I'll try to continue on and recount the first forty-eight hours for you. I remember so much of those two days, how confusing and hard everything was but also how happy you made me. And when you read this I hope you know that if I could have protected you while keeping you close, I would have done everything I could to make that happen. 


	2. Chapter 2

I remember looking down at you as I nursed you in the rocking chair, a pillow under my arm and a blanket over us for when you decided you had too much. You were so hungry those first forty-eight hours and I had the fear my body wouldn't keep up, even though my medical training told me otherwise. It didn't matter how much I read and was taught in medical school, nothing prepared me for all that you were until you were here. What surprised me the most is how much you loved the sound of your father's voice, how quickly he could calm you and how small you looked in his hands. I hope you felt as safe and loved as he made me feel.

  
When you opened your eyes to look at him it was like a silent conversation was taking place and perhaps there was. I was privy to many conversations with him like that but instead of him looking into you, you were looking into him. He was so good at that and I feel like you got that from him. You saw the goodness and strength, the passion and the care that he had for us. I didn't know it was possible to feel more for a person but I did. I fell in love with him as a father, even if I only got to see that of him for forty eight hours.

  
You were the most happy when you were laying on my chest, listening to my heart beating and swaddled tight. The second most happy is when your father had you held in his, singing in a low voice Elvis songs of all things. While he offered me the luxury of a shower, he offered you the comfort and soothing tones of "Fools Rush In," a song that couldn't have been more ironic to us. We waited so long for each other and I felt like we found you too quickly. I wouldn't have timed it any different. I just wish we had longer together.

  
We both couldn't stop smelling the top of your head and the softness of your skin. You were brand new to the world and yet had done so much for us. The first forty-eight hours was our chance to be a family. You had your first bath the day he left. You sat in shallow water on a prop to keep your body out of the water and he helped me smooth the non-irritant soap down your sides and under your chin where the breast milk you spat up liked to get trapped. He helped me pat you dry and held you even as you peed on him, dirtying his last clean shirt. You made us laugh before you could do much else.

  
If I close my eyes and go beyond those years, I saw us in a home together. I prevent those dreams from coming to me but they visit me constantly. I would try to give you a brother or a sister. I would most definitely get you a dog and your own goldfish that your father would not be allowed to name. Your father could take you to swimming lessons and teach you to throw a baseball like one of his heroes. We would be impressed with all the things you did like learning the alphabet early or learning your colours and shapes. I know you would be brilliant because you are your father's son.

  
I'm so sorry I couldn't make these things happen with us. I'm sorry you were born to parents who seem to have a darkness that chases them. I know when I lost you, I lost a part of myself and the hole that is inside of me from your absence can never be replaced. I hope one day you'll forgive me and know I did what I could to keep you safe.


	3. Chapter 3

The first night we had you, you woke up three times to nurse and against convention, I let you sleep between us in the bed. We had the covers pulled back and a fan blowing in the corner of the room. It felt hot for a June evening but I was happy. Your father put his hand on my hip, reaching over you and you squawked at his movement. He teased me that there was always something between us but we knew this just bound us more strongly together.

  
The first forty-eight hours after finding out you were coming were nothing compared to the two days that followed your birth.The way you came into this world was so unexpected. I wanted you for longer than you know and felt so undeserving when I found out you were coming. I was afraid at what it meant, I was sure it was right but I had no idea what welcoming you would mean to me.

  
You were a good baby and in the first two days, you showed us what normalcy was. You gave your father a glimmer into what I had nagged him about two years before we knew you. You also gave us time to discuss our future and what everything meant. Your presence gave me the insight to know that the normalcy we were feeling was fleeting.  
I was scared when your father and I fought, startled how it made you cry and worried for what it said about us. I knew we loved you but his presence wasn't going to be enough to keep out what was threatening to come in. You'll know this in time, but when you find that person who completes your life, you are almost always more effective when you stand together. He told me that too.

 

I wish I could tell you how much he wanted to protect us but we had to protect him. We had to be strong without him and do it on our own. Of course, your grandmother and Monica were there. Unfortunately that wasn't the same as a two-parent household.

  
I wish we had that chance for you. To show you an upbringing in a home filled with love and siblings. My instinct to protect you goes so deep that I would hurt myself to keep you safe. One day, I hope you understand that being away from you was the only thing I could do to keep you that way.

  
One day you'll understand that there would have been nothing more dangerous to you than to keep you close. To keep you with me was selfish when I knew how dangerous things were for me. The pain of us being apart cuts me deeply. It's an ache I feel daily. In the pit of my stomach and low in my womb, I feel where you kicked and stretched. You took up so much of my body for those nine months I felt like I would be with you forever. I worried constantly I would fail you if I took my vitamins at the wrong time or snuck an extra slice of pizza that I blamed your existence on craving. 

 

When I watched you sleep and yawn, I felt the yearning for more of you. I felt the wonder at how you came to be and what I could do to deserve this blessing. I felt like every part of you was breakable when I knew it wasn't. Motherhood and hormones do strange things to your mind and for as confident as I felt in my knowledge of what you were, I worried that you were somehow a dream I would wake up from. 

  
I wonder if the time we spent together imprinted on you, if you know about me and you feel this ache also. I wonder if you are ignorant to my existence and if so, I'm glad. I couldn't take the thought of you searching for me and feeling in some way, this was because of some lack of desire and happiness you brought me. You were everything and are the most important thing to me, even as we are apart.


End file.
